Using my amazing psychic powers, which I refer to as “My Amazing Psychic Powers”, I gift the World with a random selection of my amazing predictions for the year ahead.
1. While on expedition looking for their underpants, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and whole pile of other skanks will fall into a deep crevasse. The United Nations will hold an emergency session at which $600 Trillion USD will be pledged to immediately reverse Global Warming in an effort to freeze that sucker right over.
2. Along with the “nickel” and “dime” terms used to describe sizes of bagged drugs, the expression “corby” will enter broad use. Describing a boogie-board sized bag of weed, one might use the expression like this: “Shit dude, I was so gone on that shit, I wish I had a fuckin’corby of it to last me the rest of semester.”
3. Microsoft will hurriedly release the Zune Phone to market. Besides sucking more than any consumer electronics device has ever sucked before, it will boast a 10Meg Winchester disk, 640K of RAM, and will come in only one colour:
4. Your Mother will finally manage to get past how very good I was and get on with her life. And good on her, the skank.
5. While George Bush is speaking privately at a summit somewhere, a microphone will be left on accidentally. This time, though, the microphone will get close enough to Dubya‘s ear for us to actually hear the air being sucked in there.
6. While comparing someone else to Hitler, Sheikh Hilaly will finally – and not unironically – be killed when he is struck with a large frozen chunk of
shit detritus that has been ejected by a passing EgyptAir flight.
7. Speaking of Hitler, his gold will finally be found hidden beneath Donald Trump’s toupee.
8. John Howard’s eyebrows will seek asylum in Cuba.
9. While filming another insanely stupid movie on the Great Barrier Reef, Ben Affleck will be eaten, ass-first, by a Great White shark. Filming will be halted immediately, and Buddha will smile just a little bit more.
10. A drug will be discovered that will reverse the terminal stupidity of 50.0001% of the American population. Unfortunately, it will only be available in Canada.
That’s all for now. Some real predictions soon.