What with the passing of Richard “Mr.” Blackwell a couple years ago and the loss of his worst-dressed list, the time is ripe for you to step up with a New Year’s list of the Fools You Pity.

Just think of all the hilarity you could give to the World every year with a list of those you pity the most.  Actors, wannabe actors, politicians, public figures, people who died in strange ways like that cave guy, The Queen…really, you’ve got limitless material there.

If you need help writing it, I can be available.  But please, whatever you do, do this.

Cheers,
Daryl

Unfortunately, choosing the middle finger (and taking a quick screenshot) probably doesn’t convey the message they wanted.

This page gets close to 2,000 hits a month, mostly from people looking for pictures of Paris Hilton’s tits.  Don’t you know she doesn’t have any tits?

I don’t know why I harbour such disdain for poor old Paris Hilton. I mean, she’s got more money than perhaps even MC Hammer could spend. She’s even got her own illicit sex tape à la Pamela Anderson and now it looks like she’s gotten herself a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card, too!

What I’m wondering is why some bad-ass gangsta doesn’t just go and bust a cap in [Probably NSFW] her ass? I mean, it wouldn’t be much to do…apparently there’s lots of ammunition in L.A.

Seriously, I hope they slap her back in jail. If she wasn’t so rich and/or she was black or hispanic or asian she probably would have gotten a lot more than 45 days to begin with. The USA has more people in jail than any other Western nation…they love putting people in the slammer. So why are they so allergic to putting famous people in the big house?

I say throw her in genpop and let some badass dykeasaurus make her toss some salad. That would certainly teach her something about life, wouldn’t it?

Really, I’m sick of Paris Hilton. Henceforth, anyone naming their children after a hotel should be stoned to death.

I was very pleased when the Associated Press announced that they would no longer cover anything about her, but it seems that they have been pulled back into the shitstorm anyway. It’s too bad, really, but I suppose they can’t ignore what people want to see.

Just why we want to see a walking piece of trash like Paris Hilton parade herself about in ever more inebriated style I don’t know. Is it the money? Is it the tits? I really don’t know.

But I do know one thing, and that’s when the day comes – and it will come – when Paris Hilton drops off the radar, I will probably be a whole lot happier while reading the days top stories. On to the next slut, America!

I just don’t know how I managed to miss this before now…I must be getting old.

Of course, here’s the clean (bleeped) version as well:

Well, I’m going to give you a few mashups that will never work: Because they have nothing to do with Google Maps.

Bacardi Breast Implants
Sounds like a pretty good idea to me, especially if we could get some of the flavoured stuff in there. But I think the ladies would get tired of having to go back to the doctor for refills all the time.

The Nerf Telephone
The only customers would be Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell, so it would never sell more than a few units. Come to think of it, Naomi seems to throw a lot of stuff, so maybe there could actually be something in this for the Nerf people after all…

Preparation “E”
Haemorrhoid cream with the “kick” of 10% Ecstasy. Cool your ‘rhoids and start your jets!

Samuel L. Jackson’s School of MFin’ Etiquette
“I TOLD you not to MAKE eye contact with the mfin’ QUEEN, mfer!”
“DO NOT stab that MF’ING SNAKE with that MF’IN SALAD FORK, BITCH!”
Oh, this is too good…
“YES they deserved to DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!”

Hall’s Mentholated Crack
Perhaps a bit of a stretch, but if you were to take some Halls and bust them up they do look like little crack rocks already. And, with soothing Menth-O-Lyptus (sp?), your throat will never have felt better after hitting the pipe.

The Disease of the Month Club
I guess you could give it to people you really didn’t like.

Viagratussin DM
Yes, the same Viagra we all know and love, but mashed up with Robitussin DM. Not only can you get your groove on, but there won’t be any coughing or wheezing while you’re getting yours. Just like the old days!

The GPS Mother
“Oh, are you sure you should be going into this part of town? My friend Betty went there two weeks ago and had to leave before they stole her hubcaps, I tell you!”
“You know I don’t like you visiting this girls house, Thomas. She’s a bad influence on you. When are you getting married?”
“This is two blocks away from where I live and you’re not going to come for a visit?”

Got any mashup ideas of your own that would never work? Leave a comment, damnit!

I mean, I’ve been to the USA lots of times…maybe I got drunk one night and Anna Nicole Smith fell on me or something and I’m the dad. I do have two children, so I know I’m not shooting blanks.

It seems I’ve got just about as much chance of being the father as Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt. What a joke. Maybe she fell on him, too?

Seriously, people, what the heck is this poor child to think of her mother when she grows up enough to figure it out? It’s not like she won’t see it, is it? When half a dozen men come forward claiming they could be the father of this baby girl, what the hell sort of (expletive unnecessary) soup was the poor girl conceived from? Holy spuz-a-palooza.

It’s pretty obvious to me that the woman must have spent more time on her back than she did on her feet. Maybe I tripped on her when I was getting out of the shower in my hotel or something, if she was just there lying down anyway.

Of course, there probably wouldn’t be such a fight if ol’ J. Howard Marshalls hundreds of millions of dollars weren’t involved. Seeing as how the sole living heir of Anna Nicole Smith is Dannielynn (and what the fuck was she smoking when she came up with that name?) and whoever has the kid will obviously have access to all of that cashola should Smith’s estate win the never-ending lawsuit. The kid is worth more than her weight in gold. And I suppose if she gets the money, there will be no shortage of people wanting to fall on top of her.

So – in the end – we’re left with what motivates everyone, everywhere. Tits.

1. While on expedition looking for their underpants, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and whole pile of other skanks will fall into a deep crevasse. The United Nations will hold an emergency session at which $600 Trillion USD will be pledged to immediately reverse Global Warming in an effort to freeze that sucker right over.

2. Along with the “nickel” and “dime” terms used to describe sizes of bagged drugs, the expression “corby” will enter broad use. Describing a boogie-board sized bag of weed, one might use the expression like this: “Shit dude, I was so gone on that shit, I wish I had a fuckin’corby of it to last me the rest of semester.”

3. Microsoft will hurriedly release the Zune Phone to market. Besides sucking more than any consumer electronics device has ever sucked before, it will boast a 10Meg Winchester disk, 640K of RAM, and will come in only one colour:
          

4. Your Mother will finally manage to get past how very good I was and get on with her life. And good on her, the skank.

5. While George Bush is speaking privately at a summit somewhere, a microphone will be left on accidentally. This time, though, the microphone will get close enough to Dubya‘s ear for us to actually hear the air being sucked in there.

6. While comparing someone else to Hitler, Sheikh Hilaly will finally – and not unironically – be killed when he is struck with a large frozen chunk of shit detritus that has been ejected by a passing EgyptAir flight.

7. Speaking of Hitler, his gold will finally be found hidden beneath Donald Trump’s toupee.

8. John Howard’s eyebrows will seek asylum in Cuba.
          

9. While filming another insanely stupid movie on the Great Barrier Reef, Ben Affleck will be eaten, ass-first, by a Great White shark. Filming will be halted immediately, and Buddha will smile just a little bit more.

10. A drug will be discovered that will reverse the terminal stupidity of 50.0001% of the American population. Unfortunately, it will only be available in Canada.

That’s all for now. Some real predictions soon.

This is from a show in the USA called Robot Chicken.